i was thinking of christmas lately, i remembered how far away i was from everything that's important... i had robert singing "river" the whole time, and i wished i had my own river to skate away on...
after last christmas, the snow faded away and it didnt come back... and lately, i've been missing it so much... i'm just not ready for spring... so tonight my baby tells me to look outside the window... there it was, everything covered in white,... and my frozen heart makes sense now, while it's drentched in white snow... i have God and the best husband one could ever imagine... and thats it. thats all i have. no wonder it's snowing when people expect the spring to come... i feel the nature is played by my heart and no one realises... and i stil wish i had a river...
i made my baby cry...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
if you forget the words, just hum
mi-am inceput ziua cu un vis, c-o rugaciune, un sarut si ceai fierbinte de lamaie:) si Tony Burrows imi implineste dimineata cu "The Humming Song":)
oooh ce dimineata! imi miroase toata casa a ceai cu lamaie, si gustul buzelor lui a ramas adanc intiparit in mine...
fredonez melodii de dragoste si parca dimineata e la fel de frumoasa si fara el, pentru ca acum imi amintesc cum e sa-i duc dorul...
ne-au purtat anii departe, atat de departe ca nu mai zarim nicicun tarm la orizont, dar acum putem vedea in sfarsit stelele... am uitat sa vorbim, dar am invatat sa fredonam...
Inca doua ore si se va intoarce acasa
oooh ce dimineata! imi miroase toata casa a ceai cu lamaie, si gustul buzelor lui a ramas adanc intiparit in mine...
fredonez melodii de dragoste si parca dimineata e la fel de frumoasa si fara el, pentru ca acum imi amintesc cum e sa-i duc dorul...
ne-au purtat anii departe, atat de departe ca nu mai zarim nicicun tarm la orizont, dar acum putem vedea in sfarsit stelele... am uitat sa vorbim, dar am invatat sa fredonam...
Inca doua ore si se va intoarce acasa
from way up there, you and I, you and I, you and I
My lover showed up from nowhere
i've never expected him
he's my biggest serendipity
My lover is a husband
a child
a poet but he doesnt know it
a home
a refuge
my greatest joy
my lover meets me in my darkest moments and lightens up my heart
he's my human photoshop: he makes my eyes brighter and my smile larger
he erases all my worries and replaces them with hope
Ingrid Michaelson says it all:)
"don't you worry, there my honey
we might not have any money
but we've got our love to pay the bills
maybe I think you're cute and funny,
maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you,
if you know what I mean
Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there, you and I, you and I, you and I,
well you might be a bit confused
and you might be a little bit bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so I will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf
oh let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there you and I, you and I, you and I"
i've never expected him
he's my biggest serendipity
My lover is a husband
a child
a poet but he doesnt know it
a home
a refuge
my greatest joy
my lover meets me in my darkest moments and lightens up my heart
he's my human photoshop: he makes my eyes brighter and my smile larger
he erases all my worries and replaces them with hope
Ingrid Michaelson says it all:)
"don't you worry, there my honey
we might not have any money
but we've got our love to pay the bills
maybe I think you're cute and funny,
maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you,
if you know what I mean
Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there, you and I, you and I, you and I,
well you might be a bit confused
and you might be a little bit bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so I will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf
oh let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there you and I, you and I, you and I"
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
a nostalgic serendipity:)
I found a letter today, from someone who was once my bestfriend... I saw it with different eyes, with different heart beats... We've changed so much over the past years, and even though we cant longer see in eachother, some words are hunting and eating inside, along with the huge remorses.
Sending him away was typical me- sending away everyone that came too close... and i bet i wasn't the only one in the world doing that, and i cant imagine how many souls have suffered like this, selfishly chasing away the good things in their lives...
in the letter he quoted this song and the lyrics hurt me so deeply, that i refused to ever listen to it.. but today, i finally did. here it is...
"And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen.
I hate the ending myself,
But it started with an alright scene.
You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to ya..."
I always knew i was a song, but not a sad one with nothing to say...
I always hated the endings myself, but i never realised that the begginings were good...
and i always knew that he was wrong, but it meant everything to me...
and yet he saw it and he quoted instead of saying it himself, he knew what was real and deap down i knew it too but wouldnt admit it.. well i officialy admit it now: i'm an empty song, because i chased away everything good that ever happened to me... but i started to appreciate the begginings after he was gone, and thanks to that i wont have to see an ending to what i have now...
and what he might have not seen in me, was that deep down, i knew he was always right. and every word meant everything to me, and every sentence was pushing me to live deeper...
he finished the letter with "i dont want you to reply.. i dont need your explanation.. it's your decision... a sweet kiss on your forehead, little girl.. i wish you'll be happy... i wish you'll fall inlove with someone and trully love him"
well, i did... i finally love someone without those 3000000 expectations that i'd carried around for years... and i'm happy, i'm finally happy! you were my friend in the darkest times, and even though it's a sad thing to forget a friend, i'll never forget all your caring and loving... you once said that you dont get it how i manage to love only weird, crazy people, and i reject the ones that really matter... well, i'll tell you something.. in almost 3 years since i left, my -album with the most important people in my life- had just 5 pictures, 5 real people, people that tought me how to live happier... and you're one of them:) i'm not a little girl anymore, aren't i?:) you'd be proud of me...
Sending him away was typical me- sending away everyone that came too close... and i bet i wasn't the only one in the world doing that, and i cant imagine how many souls have suffered like this, selfishly chasing away the good things in their lives...
in the letter he quoted this song and the lyrics hurt me so deeply, that i refused to ever listen to it.. but today, i finally did. here it is...
"And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen.
I hate the ending myself,
But it started with an alright scene.
You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to ya..."
I always knew i was a song, but not a sad one with nothing to say...
I always hated the endings myself, but i never realised that the begginings were good...
and i always knew that he was wrong, but it meant everything to me...
and yet he saw it and he quoted instead of saying it himself, he knew what was real and deap down i knew it too but wouldnt admit it.. well i officialy admit it now: i'm an empty song, because i chased away everything good that ever happened to me... but i started to appreciate the begginings after he was gone, and thanks to that i wont have to see an ending to what i have now...
and what he might have not seen in me, was that deep down, i knew he was always right. and every word meant everything to me, and every sentence was pushing me to live deeper...
he finished the letter with "i dont want you to reply.. i dont need your explanation.. it's your decision... a sweet kiss on your forehead, little girl.. i wish you'll be happy... i wish you'll fall inlove with someone and trully love him"
well, i did... i finally love someone without those 3000000 expectations that i'd carried around for years... and i'm happy, i'm finally happy! you were my friend in the darkest times, and even though it's a sad thing to forget a friend, i'll never forget all your caring and loving... you once said that you dont get it how i manage to love only weird, crazy people, and i reject the ones that really matter... well, i'll tell you something.. in almost 3 years since i left, my -album with the most important people in my life- had just 5 pictures, 5 real people, people that tought me how to live happier... and you're one of them:) i'm not a little girl anymore, aren't i?:) you'd be proud of me...
Sunday, December 19, 2010
the only game in town
we're standing on the stairs. he's one stair higher than me, holding his back against the wall. we speak again. the same subject... he doesn't understand, why should we give up... i'm tired, i lay my head on my knees and i cry.
-i know only two persons that i can't tell when they cry- he says nostalgic..
-you're the second..- he continues.
-and still, you noticed...- i'm saying while i lift my head and wipe the tears away.
-i saw the tear falling.. you cry so quietly.-
we dont say anything anymore.
suddenly he screams -why?? why do i have to lose everything i've ever loved?? tell me, why?? why everything?...- he's tired, his breath has gone wild, his eyes sparkle of solitude... -why?... why am i losing another friend?-
i cry.
suddenly i hear him -please, don't cry!-
-i don't...-
i can't help thinking... is he too proud to accept the defeat? or is he just the loneliest man in the world, despite his big smile?...
If suffering would only make us better, stronger, cleaner... but there's no much hope for this anymore. they all scream "it hurts!" but how small and uncapable is the pain that you shout in the valleys of desperation, and how great is the pain that's ashame to even sigh! too bad we don't become more human after we've had our hearts broken.. too bad we become mean and immune to higher emotions...
-sometimes it doesn't hurt at all- he sais... -sometimes, i live everyday in total resignation... God is my only close friends and even with Him, i sometimes am lonely.. and those days, i don't live.. i simply exist, more thoughtless, more careless...-
-does your heart still sing?- i ask him...
-there are no songs in those days... and still, i feel fine... but there are those mornings when everything breaks inside of me, frightened by the pain of reality, and then i realise how much unhapiness there is in an empty man... that's how it feels now, only it's not morning,... it's the middle of the night...-
he can hear the threat of the uninhabited shore...-don't fade away... i can't let you go away with empty hands, with your fists clenched in life's instability...i can't let you go empty... i don't wanna be the one who's emptying you!-
now, his life means existence, and existence is pure death...
"and solitaire is the only game in town...
and every road that takes him, takes him down...
while life goes on around him everywhere
he's playing solitaire"...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
when God whispers
Today there are many loving people praying and fasting for my family's future. Sometimes it's still hard to trust God, because 40 years in the desert have killed my strength, my hopes, parts of my faith. But today, i'm listening to the Father's song, and hopefully God will see beyond my fears.
And He whispers again, just how He used to...
"They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. Because He, who has compassion on them, will guide them and lead them beside springs of water.
I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up." Isaiah 49:10,11.
"Neither hunger or thirst", God whispers... We've been stumbling in this dessert for so long, hungry for more faith, more of God in us; we've been thirsty for God's answers to our prayers, for His blood to cure us.. He now promises this will have an end, and i dont expect it to be NOW, but i believe it will slowly happen. I believe that our souls will be fed with His words, i believe that His hands can take away and fear, and that He does hold the key to a nice future.
"nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them"... He never sent us away, although i believed this for a long time.. When the heat of doubt burnt all my hopes that He might actually listen to us, He whispered that this happened for a reason; it happened so that we'd grow more and more, so that we'd learn how to survive based on our decisions and how to base those decisions on His character; it burnt so much, stumbling on hot sand, looking for a spring to cure my doubts... But He had it all prepared; He had the reason prepared..."Because He, who has compassion on them, will guide them and lead them beside springs of water"
He made me grow and learn to walk alone with Him beside me. I was no baby anymore, He didnt have to carry me in His arms so i wont feel the hot sand burning my feet.. He put me down, let me stumble, and He watched me crying how i almost lost everything, all my hopes all my dreams. But He made the right decision, He helped me grow, so that now i'd enter His rewards, knowing Him so deeply, feeling Him so fully...
"I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up", says the Lord who takes such sweet care of us... There are so many things standing in the way of my family's future, standing in the way of our fullfilment... Sometimes we can't bare it anymore, wondering what tomorrow might bring. But He sais that all these mountains, all these trials that actually come from Him to test us and make us grow, will go away. He will destroy them once we abandom ourselves in His hand, once we accept that He has the power to make it all better. It's SO hard to completely trust Him! so hard to believe in someone you cannot see.. but He whispers! we can hear Him! and He conforts us, He knows it's hard stumbling in the desert, with no water around for miles, but He carries us when the burden it's too heavy... His promises WILL be fulfilled, i wont doubt them anymore, because
the Father's song, the Father's love, is now written on our hearts...
And He whispers again, just how He used to...
"They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. Because He, who has compassion on them, will guide them and lead them beside springs of water.
I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up." Isaiah 49:10,11.
"Neither hunger or thirst", God whispers... We've been stumbling in this dessert for so long, hungry for more faith, more of God in us; we've been thirsty for God's answers to our prayers, for His blood to cure us.. He now promises this will have an end, and i dont expect it to be NOW, but i believe it will slowly happen. I believe that our souls will be fed with His words, i believe that His hands can take away and fear, and that He does hold the key to a nice future.
"nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them"... He never sent us away, although i believed this for a long time.. When the heat of doubt burnt all my hopes that He might actually listen to us, He whispered that this happened for a reason; it happened so that we'd grow more and more, so that we'd learn how to survive based on our decisions and how to base those decisions on His character; it burnt so much, stumbling on hot sand, looking for a spring to cure my doubts... But He had it all prepared; He had the reason prepared..."Because He, who has compassion on them, will guide them and lead them beside springs of water"
He made me grow and learn to walk alone with Him beside me. I was no baby anymore, He didnt have to carry me in His arms so i wont feel the hot sand burning my feet.. He put me down, let me stumble, and He watched me crying how i almost lost everything, all my hopes all my dreams. But He made the right decision, He helped me grow, so that now i'd enter His rewards, knowing Him so deeply, feeling Him so fully...
"I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up", says the Lord who takes such sweet care of us... There are so many things standing in the way of my family's future, standing in the way of our fullfilment... Sometimes we can't bare it anymore, wondering what tomorrow might bring. But He sais that all these mountains, all these trials that actually come from Him to test us and make us grow, will go away. He will destroy them once we abandom ourselves in His hand, once we accept that He has the power to make it all better. It's SO hard to completely trust Him! so hard to believe in someone you cannot see.. but He whispers! we can hear Him! and He conforts us, He knows it's hard stumbling in the desert, with no water around for miles, but He carries us when the burden it's too heavy... His promises WILL be fulfilled, i wont doubt them anymore, because
the Father's song, the Father's love, is now written on our hearts...
Monday, December 13, 2010
the bestfriend
Today it's hot tea and Ash Koley.
And today i'm missing my bestfriend more than ever.
I've lost you, haven't i? I will never have you as i had before.
Strange, i honestly believed that once i started seeing you less, i'd also love you less. But i love you more. Cus now i'm not feeding myself with your hugs, but with the memories of what we were. I love you more, because now i dont know anything about you anymore, and i worry more, and i'm praying more, i'm crying more...
You, soft and lonely, you live inside of me...
We know so less about each other, and still.. something bonded us along these years, right? something filled our hearts...
My sweetheart, i will never forget you... You loved me just as i was. You loved me even when my heart was dead, you supported me when i denied my life... They all went away, they all left me cus they couldnt deal with my heart, yet you stayed... you loved, you never forgot...
Did you build me in your heart, my dear? Or do i fade everytime i'm not close to you? ... i've built you in my heart though, you're everywhere in my being. sometimes a huge longing for you messes up my sweet dreams...
Yesterday i was speaking with your husband; he grew so much, i'm afraid to speak to him now... Somehow, i see you in him, and even though you two could never believe it, i'm telling you... you're built in eachother too. He should be your getaway car. When you miss me, he should be your refuge, because he knows, he knows me and he also knows you, and he'd make it perfect for you, he'd be the glue that sticks broken pieces. Dont let him die, cus he's the only one who can keep you alive now, when i'm so gone...
"just let me know when you get what you need
i'll stop what i'm doing and come straight to you"
Pfff... if you could see my melancholy, you'd kiss me :) It's so peaceful, like a rock over which a fresh spring whispers...
And today i'm missing my bestfriend more than ever.
I've lost you, haven't i? I will never have you as i had before.
Strange, i honestly believed that once i started seeing you less, i'd also love you less. But i love you more. Cus now i'm not feeding myself with your hugs, but with the memories of what we were. I love you more, because now i dont know anything about you anymore, and i worry more, and i'm praying more, i'm crying more...
You, soft and lonely, you live inside of me...
We know so less about each other, and still.. something bonded us along these years, right? something filled our hearts...
My sweetheart, i will never forget you... You loved me just as i was. You loved me even when my heart was dead, you supported me when i denied my life... They all went away, they all left me cus they couldnt deal with my heart, yet you stayed... you loved, you never forgot...
Did you build me in your heart, my dear? Or do i fade everytime i'm not close to you? ... i've built you in my heart though, you're everywhere in my being. sometimes a huge longing for you messes up my sweet dreams...
Yesterday i was speaking with your husband; he grew so much, i'm afraid to speak to him now... Somehow, i see you in him, and even though you two could never believe it, i'm telling you... you're built in eachother too. He should be your getaway car. When you miss me, he should be your refuge, because he knows, he knows me and he also knows you, and he'd make it perfect for you, he'd be the glue that sticks broken pieces. Dont let him die, cus he's the only one who can keep you alive now, when i'm so gone...
"just let me know when you get what you need
i'll stop what i'm doing and come straight to you"
Pfff... if you could see my melancholy, you'd kiss me :) It's so peaceful, like a rock over which a fresh spring whispers...
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