I found a letter today, from someone who was once my bestfriend... I saw it with different eyes, with different heart beats... We've changed so much over the past years, and even though we cant longer see in eachother, some words are hunting and eating inside, along with the huge remorses.
Sending him away was typical me- sending away everyone that came too close... and i bet i wasn't the only one in the world doing that, and i cant imagine how many souls have suffered like this, selfishly chasing away the good things in their lives...
in the letter he quoted this song and the lyrics hurt me so deeply, that i refused to ever listen to it.. but today, i finally did. here it is...
"And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen.
I hate the ending myself,
But it started with an alright scene.
You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to ya..."
I always knew i was a song, but not a sad one with nothing to say...
I always hated the endings myself, but i never realised that the begginings were good...
and i always knew that he was wrong, but it meant everything to me...
and yet he saw it and he quoted instead of saying it himself, he knew what was real and deap down i knew it too but wouldnt admit it.. well i officialy admit it now: i'm an empty song, because i chased away everything good that ever happened to me... but i started to appreciate the begginings after he was gone, and thanks to that i wont have to see an ending to what i have now...
and what he might have not seen in me, was that deep down, i knew he was always right. and every word meant everything to me, and every sentence was pushing me to live deeper...
he finished the letter with "i dont want you to reply.. i dont need your explanation.. it's your decision... a sweet kiss on your forehead, little girl.. i wish you'll be happy... i wish you'll fall inlove with someone and trully love him"
well, i did... i finally love someone without those 3000000 expectations that i'd carried around for years... and i'm happy, i'm finally happy! you were my friend in the darkest times, and even though it's a sad thing to forget a friend, i'll never forget all your caring and loving... you once said that you dont get it how i manage to love only weird, crazy people, and i reject the ones that really matter... well, i'll tell you something.. in almost 3 years since i left, my -album with the most important people in my life- had just 5 pictures, 5 real people, people that tought me how to live happier... and you're one of them:) i'm not a little girl anymore, aren't i?:) you'd be proud of me...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
the only game in town
we're standing on the stairs. he's one stair higher than me, holding his back against the wall. we speak again. the same subject... he doesn't understand, why should we give up... i'm tired, i lay my head on my knees and i cry.
-i know only two persons that i can't tell when they cry- he says nostalgic..
-you're the second..- he continues.
-and still, you noticed...- i'm saying while i lift my head and wipe the tears away.
-i saw the tear falling.. you cry so quietly.-
we dont say anything anymore.
suddenly he screams -why?? why do i have to lose everything i've ever loved?? tell me, why?? why everything?...- he's tired, his breath has gone wild, his eyes sparkle of solitude... -why?... why am i losing another friend?-
i cry.
suddenly i hear him -please, don't cry!-
-i don't...-
i can't help thinking... is he too proud to accept the defeat? or is he just the loneliest man in the world, despite his big smile?...
If suffering would only make us better, stronger, cleaner... but there's no much hope for this anymore. they all scream "it hurts!" but how small and uncapable is the pain that you shout in the valleys of desperation, and how great is the pain that's ashame to even sigh! too bad we don't become more human after we've had our hearts broken.. too bad we become mean and immune to higher emotions...
-sometimes it doesn't hurt at all- he sais... -sometimes, i live everyday in total resignation... God is my only close friends and even with Him, i sometimes am lonely.. and those days, i don't live.. i simply exist, more thoughtless, more careless...-
-does your heart still sing?- i ask him...
-there are no songs in those days... and still, i feel fine... but there are those mornings when everything breaks inside of me, frightened by the pain of reality, and then i realise how much unhapiness there is in an empty man... that's how it feels now, only it's not morning,... it's the middle of the night...-
he can hear the threat of the uninhabited shore...-don't fade away... i can't let you go away with empty hands, with your fists clenched in life's instability...i can't let you go empty... i don't wanna be the one who's emptying you!-
now, his life means existence, and existence is pure death...
"and solitaire is the only game in town...
and every road that takes him, takes him down...
while life goes on around him everywhere
he's playing solitaire"...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
when God whispers
Today there are many loving people praying and fasting for my family's future. Sometimes it's still hard to trust God, because 40 years in the desert have killed my strength, my hopes, parts of my faith. But today, i'm listening to the Father's song, and hopefully God will see beyond my fears.
And He whispers again, just how He used to...
"They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. Because He, who has compassion on them, will guide them and lead them beside springs of water.
I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up." Isaiah 49:10,11.
"Neither hunger or thirst", God whispers... We've been stumbling in this dessert for so long, hungry for more faith, more of God in us; we've been thirsty for God's answers to our prayers, for His blood to cure us.. He now promises this will have an end, and i dont expect it to be NOW, but i believe it will slowly happen. I believe that our souls will be fed with His words, i believe that His hands can take away and fear, and that He does hold the key to a nice future.
"nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them"... He never sent us away, although i believed this for a long time.. When the heat of doubt burnt all my hopes that He might actually listen to us, He whispered that this happened for a reason; it happened so that we'd grow more and more, so that we'd learn how to survive based on our decisions and how to base those decisions on His character; it burnt so much, stumbling on hot sand, looking for a spring to cure my doubts... But He had it all prepared; He had the reason prepared..."Because He, who has compassion on them, will guide them and lead them beside springs of water"
He made me grow and learn to walk alone with Him beside me. I was no baby anymore, He didnt have to carry me in His arms so i wont feel the hot sand burning my feet.. He put me down, let me stumble, and He watched me crying how i almost lost everything, all my hopes all my dreams. But He made the right decision, He helped me grow, so that now i'd enter His rewards, knowing Him so deeply, feeling Him so fully...
"I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up", says the Lord who takes such sweet care of us... There are so many things standing in the way of my family's future, standing in the way of our fullfilment... Sometimes we can't bare it anymore, wondering what tomorrow might bring. But He sais that all these mountains, all these trials that actually come from Him to test us and make us grow, will go away. He will destroy them once we abandom ourselves in His hand, once we accept that He has the power to make it all better. It's SO hard to completely trust Him! so hard to believe in someone you cannot see.. but He whispers! we can hear Him! and He conforts us, He knows it's hard stumbling in the desert, with no water around for miles, but He carries us when the burden it's too heavy... His promises WILL be fulfilled, i wont doubt them anymore, because
the Father's song, the Father's love, is now written on our hearts...
And He whispers again, just how He used to...
"They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them. Because He, who has compassion on them, will guide them and lead them beside springs of water.
I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up." Isaiah 49:10,11.
"Neither hunger or thirst", God whispers... We've been stumbling in this dessert for so long, hungry for more faith, more of God in us; we've been thirsty for God's answers to our prayers, for His blood to cure us.. He now promises this will have an end, and i dont expect it to be NOW, but i believe it will slowly happen. I believe that our souls will be fed with His words, i believe that His hands can take away and fear, and that He does hold the key to a nice future.
"nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them"... He never sent us away, although i believed this for a long time.. When the heat of doubt burnt all my hopes that He might actually listen to us, He whispered that this happened for a reason; it happened so that we'd grow more and more, so that we'd learn how to survive based on our decisions and how to base those decisions on His character; it burnt so much, stumbling on hot sand, looking for a spring to cure my doubts... But He had it all prepared; He had the reason prepared..."Because He, who has compassion on them, will guide them and lead them beside springs of water"
He made me grow and learn to walk alone with Him beside me. I was no baby anymore, He didnt have to carry me in His arms so i wont feel the hot sand burning my feet.. He put me down, let me stumble, and He watched me crying how i almost lost everything, all my hopes all my dreams. But He made the right decision, He helped me grow, so that now i'd enter His rewards, knowing Him so deeply, feeling Him so fully...
"I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up", says the Lord who takes such sweet care of us... There are so many things standing in the way of my family's future, standing in the way of our fullfilment... Sometimes we can't bare it anymore, wondering what tomorrow might bring. But He sais that all these mountains, all these trials that actually come from Him to test us and make us grow, will go away. He will destroy them once we abandom ourselves in His hand, once we accept that He has the power to make it all better. It's SO hard to completely trust Him! so hard to believe in someone you cannot see.. but He whispers! we can hear Him! and He conforts us, He knows it's hard stumbling in the desert, with no water around for miles, but He carries us when the burden it's too heavy... His promises WILL be fulfilled, i wont doubt them anymore, because
the Father's song, the Father's love, is now written on our hearts...
Monday, December 13, 2010
the bestfriend
Today it's hot tea and Ash Koley.
And today i'm missing my bestfriend more than ever.
I've lost you, haven't i? I will never have you as i had before.
Strange, i honestly believed that once i started seeing you less, i'd also love you less. But i love you more. Cus now i'm not feeding myself with your hugs, but with the memories of what we were. I love you more, because now i dont know anything about you anymore, and i worry more, and i'm praying more, i'm crying more...
You, soft and lonely, you live inside of me...
We know so less about each other, and still.. something bonded us along these years, right? something filled our hearts...
My sweetheart, i will never forget you... You loved me just as i was. You loved me even when my heart was dead, you supported me when i denied my life... They all went away, they all left me cus they couldnt deal with my heart, yet you stayed... you loved, you never forgot...
Did you build me in your heart, my dear? Or do i fade everytime i'm not close to you? ... i've built you in my heart though, you're everywhere in my being. sometimes a huge longing for you messes up my sweet dreams...
Yesterday i was speaking with your husband; he grew so much, i'm afraid to speak to him now... Somehow, i see you in him, and even though you two could never believe it, i'm telling you... you're built in eachother too. He should be your getaway car. When you miss me, he should be your refuge, because he knows, he knows me and he also knows you, and he'd make it perfect for you, he'd be the glue that sticks broken pieces. Dont let him die, cus he's the only one who can keep you alive now, when i'm so gone...
"just let me know when you get what you need
i'll stop what i'm doing and come straight to you"
Pfff... if you could see my melancholy, you'd kiss me :) It's so peaceful, like a rock over which a fresh spring whispers...
And today i'm missing my bestfriend more than ever.
I've lost you, haven't i? I will never have you as i had before.
Strange, i honestly believed that once i started seeing you less, i'd also love you less. But i love you more. Cus now i'm not feeding myself with your hugs, but with the memories of what we were. I love you more, because now i dont know anything about you anymore, and i worry more, and i'm praying more, i'm crying more...
You, soft and lonely, you live inside of me...
We know so less about each other, and still.. something bonded us along these years, right? something filled our hearts...
My sweetheart, i will never forget you... You loved me just as i was. You loved me even when my heart was dead, you supported me when i denied my life... They all went away, they all left me cus they couldnt deal with my heart, yet you stayed... you loved, you never forgot...
Did you build me in your heart, my dear? Or do i fade everytime i'm not close to you? ... i've built you in my heart though, you're everywhere in my being. sometimes a huge longing for you messes up my sweet dreams...
Yesterday i was speaking with your husband; he grew so much, i'm afraid to speak to him now... Somehow, i see you in him, and even though you two could never believe it, i'm telling you... you're built in eachother too. He should be your getaway car. When you miss me, he should be your refuge, because he knows, he knows me and he also knows you, and he'd make it perfect for you, he'd be the glue that sticks broken pieces. Dont let him die, cus he's the only one who can keep you alive now, when i'm so gone...
"just let me know when you get what you need
i'll stop what i'm doing and come straight to you"
Pfff... if you could see my melancholy, you'd kiss me :) It's so peaceful, like a rock over which a fresh spring whispers...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
red red wine (and a considerable amount of soul)
Quiet evening, with a glass of sweet red wine and candles all around... :) Uh, and Al Green with his "how can you mend a broken heart" doesnt make me melancholic anymore, but a bit nostalgic (sweet-nostalgic)...
today i havent danced with my pillow, today i danced alone for a moment, in the bathroom. My lover is too trapped in his -guy's world- but i promise, i WILL take him dancing once :) and he WILL enjoy it just as much as i do :). My pillow wont be the only one to have the honours:)
I'm looking at him: his strange brown eyes confort me. I will never be drawn to another brown than his. And yet, take a look around you: after a while, so many get used to their lover's brown and start searching for a new color, maybe a green, or a shallow blue. Oh, maybe black is more misterious than the brown you've fallen inlove with, and that slowly brings you dissapointments, unfulfilled expectations and in the end, depression. Oh, i'll never love another color more than my baby's brown!
"and... how can you mend a broken heart?..."
for me, it's simple... just the sparkle of his eyes makes me live again...
today i havent danced with my pillow, today i danced alone for a moment, in the bathroom. My lover is too trapped in his -guy's world- but i promise, i WILL take him dancing once :) and he WILL enjoy it just as much as i do :). My pillow wont be the only one to have the honours:)
I'm looking at him: his strange brown eyes confort me. I will never be drawn to another brown than his. And yet, take a look around you: after a while, so many get used to their lover's brown and start searching for a new color, maybe a green, or a shallow blue. Oh, maybe black is more misterious than the brown you've fallen inlove with, and that slowly brings you dissapointments, unfulfilled expectations and in the end, depression. Oh, i'll never love another color more than my baby's brown!
"and... how can you mend a broken heart?..."
for me, it's simple... just the sparkle of his eyes makes me live again...
Saturday, December 11, 2010
both sides now
Today i was depressed, for the first time in a long time, and i thought hey, i'm back, this drama queen has never left.. it started while I was watching Ally Mcbeal, as usual... and i felt it again, my previous life, my imaginary world, my weird friends.. i missed it, and i cried like a baby because it all came back to me. There she was, my dear Ally, the ME inside of her, John understanding her illusions, me not knowing love at all... all of us, dancing sadly around life and its serendipities... And it was bitter and it was sweet, and ... it was mine again...
For 2 days i've been singing "both sides now" from Joni Mitchell, and all the women who've felt life in its warm and cold weather will understand this song...
Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now
I've been reminiscing, during these 2 days, the best part of my life-up til 4 years ago... When life was an excuse for me to built up another world, a world of my own. I found the old letters that i used to write to MY SOMEONE, the one i would one day meet and marry and get lost with in the music of our imagination... Pffff, heavy stuff i tell ya, all those letters that never landed where they were supposed to:) But oh, how blind was i... and how pissed i'd get on everyone who dared to tell me that none of that existed or would ever exist!
And this episode from Ally, totally brought the old me back... and while watching it, i couldnt take out of my mind the lyrics from "both sides now"... and i wanted to take ally in my arms, tell her that her tears are going NOWHERE! that dreams are meant to be just dreams, that our inner world will be the most beautiful story we will ever have, precisely because it will never come true! "so many things i could've done, but clouds got in my way", Joni kept singing in my mind...
We grow, thats the truth, we stop writing poems and we stop believing in fairy tales, and IT SUCKS!! but we grow and growing is nice when you learn how to live... when you find a nice something to live for, and you make it your utmost desire... ah, Ally... we've seen it all, haven't we?:) we've seen unicorns and we've touched them! one time, the sun stood still for hours while i was praying on a bench in the park... Another day, i looked up in october, and i wanted a sign that love exists, and it started to snow on me! but in the end...
"I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all."...
joni, joni kept whispering in my ears during.. during life...
And here i was today, feeling every step ally was taking, and hoping she wont make the same mistakes i did.. and still she did, still she kept believing in that love that we create in our deepest moments of solitude...
And i was still stucked with Joni's song...
And all of a sudden, on the episode's soundtrack, Vonda Shepard sang a cover from "both sides now"... my heart stopped... how connected can you be with a stupid TV character?? i was crying hopelesly, me and ally... both not knowing life at all... how can this be... ally, just a tv character, telling my life step by step...
"Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day."
My lover is used with me bursting into tears without an apparent reason, but he always asks me what is wrong and wont leave until he gets an answer.. not today though.. i think he knew, somehow, he knew... he knew that whats burried deep inside me, cant go away just by confessing it... I was standing hypnotised, reminiscing all my life, thinking how i got so far.. thinking how can this be me? how come all my dreams went down the drain, how can i be so changed?... and then i looked at him, and suddenly i figured it all out... he's not the one ive been writing to for years,he doesnt understand my stories, my illusions, but he's my earthly heaven! he tought me how to LIVE, how to trade my imaginary world for the greatest joys of real life.. he's the REAL thing, the best man on this planet! and it was SOOO damn hard in the beggining, and i missed my life like crazy, and i felt so trapped in a world that could never be mine.. but today, i was standing at the crossroads, having the posibility to go back to my world... but when i saw him... ow man, i saw HAPPINESS! this man doesnt write poems, but he sacrifices for me each day! he's not crazy and impulsive like me, but he knows how to calm me down and sweeten my moods... He changed me, with his beautiful soul and his robert downey jr. eyes, hehe;))... and i dont know clouds at all, i still dont know life at all, but love... well, i'm starting to figure it out :)
"As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away."
No, my weird friends will never know.. but one day, LIFE will happen to them too.. So all of you Ally's from my old life... i miss you SO much, and i pray everyday that you will finally see love from both sides now:)
For 2 days i've been singing "both sides now" from Joni Mitchell, and all the women who've felt life in its warm and cold weather will understand this song...
Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now
I've been reminiscing, during these 2 days, the best part of my life-up til 4 years ago... When life was an excuse for me to built up another world, a world of my own. I found the old letters that i used to write to MY SOMEONE, the one i would one day meet and marry and get lost with in the music of our imagination... Pffff, heavy stuff i tell ya, all those letters that never landed where they were supposed to:) But oh, how blind was i... and how pissed i'd get on everyone who dared to tell me that none of that existed or would ever exist!
And this episode from Ally, totally brought the old me back... and while watching it, i couldnt take out of my mind the lyrics from "both sides now"... and i wanted to take ally in my arms, tell her that her tears are going NOWHERE! that dreams are meant to be just dreams, that our inner world will be the most beautiful story we will ever have, precisely because it will never come true! "so many things i could've done, but clouds got in my way", Joni kept singing in my mind...
We grow, thats the truth, we stop writing poems and we stop believing in fairy tales, and IT SUCKS!! but we grow and growing is nice when you learn how to live... when you find a nice something to live for, and you make it your utmost desire... ah, Ally... we've seen it all, haven't we?:) we've seen unicorns and we've touched them! one time, the sun stood still for hours while i was praying on a bench in the park... Another day, i looked up in october, and i wanted a sign that love exists, and it started to snow on me! but in the end...
"I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all."...
joni, joni kept whispering in my ears during.. during life...
And here i was today, feeling every step ally was taking, and hoping she wont make the same mistakes i did.. and still she did, still she kept believing in that love that we create in our deepest moments of solitude...
And i was still stucked with Joni's song...
And all of a sudden, on the episode's soundtrack, Vonda Shepard sang a cover from "both sides now"... my heart stopped... how connected can you be with a stupid TV character?? i was crying hopelesly, me and ally... both not knowing life at all... how can this be... ally, just a tv character, telling my life step by step...
"Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day."
My lover is used with me bursting into tears without an apparent reason, but he always asks me what is wrong and wont leave until he gets an answer.. not today though.. i think he knew, somehow, he knew... he knew that whats burried deep inside me, cant go away just by confessing it... I was standing hypnotised, reminiscing all my life, thinking how i got so far.. thinking how can this be me? how come all my dreams went down the drain, how can i be so changed?... and then i looked at him, and suddenly i figured it all out... he's not the one ive been writing to for years,he doesnt understand my stories, my illusions, but he's my earthly heaven! he tought me how to LIVE, how to trade my imaginary world for the greatest joys of real life.. he's the REAL thing, the best man on this planet! and it was SOOO damn hard in the beggining, and i missed my life like crazy, and i felt so trapped in a world that could never be mine.. but today, i was standing at the crossroads, having the posibility to go back to my world... but when i saw him... ow man, i saw HAPPINESS! this man doesnt write poems, but he sacrifices for me each day! he's not crazy and impulsive like me, but he knows how to calm me down and sweeten my moods... He changed me, with his beautiful soul and his robert downey jr. eyes, hehe;))... and i dont know clouds at all, i still dont know life at all, but love... well, i'm starting to figure it out :)
"As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away."
No, my weird friends will never know.. but one day, LIFE will happen to them too.. So all of you Ally's from my old life... i miss you SO much, and i pray everyday that you will finally see love from both sides now:)
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