both sides now

Today i was depressed, for the first time in a long time, and i thought hey, i'm back, this drama queen has never left.. it started while I was watching Ally Mcbeal, as usual... and i felt it again, my previous life, my imaginary world, my weird friends.. i missed it, and i cried like a baby because it all came back to me. There she was, my dear Ally, the ME inside of her, John understanding her illusions, me not knowing love at all... all of us, dancing sadly around life and its serendipities... And it was bitter and it was sweet, and ... it was mine again...

For 2 days i've been singing "both sides now" from Joni Mitchell, and all the women who've felt life in its warm and cold weather will understand this song...

Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now


 
I've been reminiscing, during these 2 days, the best part of my life-up til 4 years ago... When life was an excuse for me to built up another world, a world of my own. I found the old letters that i used to write to MY SOMEONE, the one i would one day meet and marry and get lost with in the music of our imagination... Pffff, heavy stuff i tell ya, all those letters that never landed where they were supposed to:) But oh, how blind was i... and how pissed i'd get on everyone who dared to tell me that none of that existed or would ever exist!
And this episode from Ally, totally brought the old me back... and while watching it, i couldnt take out of my mind the lyrics from "both sides now"... and i wanted to take ally in my arms, tell her that her tears are going NOWHERE! that dreams are meant to be just dreams, that our inner world will be the most beautiful story we will ever have, precisely because it will never come true! "so many things i could've done, but clouds got in my way", Joni kept singing in my mind...


We grow, thats the truth, we stop writing poems and we stop believing in fairy tales, and IT SUCKS!! but we grow and growing is nice when you learn how to live... when you find a nice something to live for, and you make it your utmost desire... ah, Ally... we've seen it all, haven't we?:) we've seen unicorns and we've touched them! one time, the sun stood still for hours while i was praying on a bench in the park... Another day, i looked up in october, and i wanted a sign that love exists, and it started to snow on me! but in the end...
"I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all."...


joni, joni kept whispering in my ears during.. during life...


And here i was today, feeling every step ally was taking, and hoping she wont make the same mistakes i did.. and still she did, still she kept believing in that love that we create in our deepest moments of solitude...


And i was still stucked with Joni's song...


And all of a sudden, on the episode's soundtrack, Vonda Shepard sang a cover from "both sides now"... my heart stopped... how connected can you be with a stupid TV character?? i was crying hopelesly, me and ally... both not knowing life at all... how can this be... ally, just a tv character,  telling my life step by step...


"Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day."


My lover is used with me bursting into tears without an apparent reason, but he always asks me what is wrong and wont leave until he gets an answer.. not today though.. i think he knew, somehow, he knew... he knew that whats burried deep inside me, cant go away just by confessing it... I was standing hypnotised, reminiscing all my life, thinking how i got so far.. thinking how can this be me? how come all my dreams went down the drain, how can i be so changed?... and then i looked at him, and suddenly i figured it all out... he's not the one ive been writing to for years,he doesnt understand my stories, my illusions, but he's my earthly heaven! he tought me how to LIVE, how to trade my imaginary world for the greatest joys of real life.. he's the REAL thing, the best man on this planet! and it was SOOO damn hard in the beggining, and i missed my life like crazy, and i felt so trapped in a world that could never be mine.. but today, i was standing at the crossroads, having the posibility to go back to my world... but when i saw him... ow man, i saw HAPPINESS! this man doesnt write poems, but he sacrifices for me each day! he's not crazy and impulsive like me, but he knows how to calm me down and sweeten my moods... He changed me, with his beautiful soul and his robert downey jr. eyes, hehe;))... and i dont know clouds at all, i still dont know life at all, but love... well, i'm starting to figure it out :)
"As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away."


No, my weird friends will never know.. but one day, LIFE will happen to them too.. So all of you Ally's from my old life... i miss you SO much, and i pray everyday that you will finally see love from both sides now:)