Lately, my soul has sounded like Jon Foreman's song, "the cure for the pain"... I doubt that someone would actually read this post, this blog, but if someone does,.. if YOU do, then... listen to this, it has an immediate effect on one's heart...
A man of God once told me that i need to spend a lot of time thinking that "there is a time for everything"; that i should actually mark in my diary everything that i discover concerning "everything in its own time"... And i did that, if not in writting, at least in feeling, and thinking...
I had tried to find a cure for the pain, but... oooooh, the verses from Ecclesiastes 3 seemed to tell me that it was time for me to throw away all the worries and doubts.. to embrace the mistery again, to taste the unknown , to enter the narrow gate again... So i started to build a valuable faith, knowing that God sees my struggle... I had to learn that indeed, there is a time to tear and to mend, to love and to hate, to be silent and to speak, to search and to give up, but the hardest to accept was verse 8: "a time for war and a time for peace."... The war has its own time... even the war is allowed by God... Even the wounds, burns and longing for home; the agony of a war where you doubt your own existence, when the death that you see everywhere seems to rot in your bones and you feel that nowhere will you find salvation... when you feel that even God has turned His eyes away from you and not even the dreams hold the promise of a fullfilled future... So even this war, this emotional struggle, has its own time (and may i add, purpose...) And then.. there's PEACE... even peace is prophesied... When the battle freezes you more than you can bare, when you feel that nothing could ever warm you up again, there comes the Peace, like a spring from Heaven,.. the peace promised long time ago, before knowing there would even be a war... Even the Peace has an appointed time... And it gently flows over you, taking care of the wounds dug in your meat, in your heart... The wounds remain, and unlike the birth pains, these will never be forgotten.. They make you old, they humble you, but the peace comes in its time, and tames them. The war grows you so you can learn to receive peace... And peace gets you closer to God...
These were my thoughts 4 years ago, and now, after such a long time, i remembered that period, and i was surprised to find myself dealing with some of the same matters, only now, i'm joyfull and patient,.. now, my faith has grown in the One who showed me His glory some summers ago... 4 years ago, i was a lost soldier trying to win a war that i never understood. Now, i'm a found soul in the hands of the supreme PEACE... There was a time for war, because i learnt to appreciate peace. and peace, .. well.. it got me closer to Life:)
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
another two years older, and three more steps behind...
i'm constantly missing home, friendship and warmth... Two evenings ago, i opened all the windows, all the doors.. the wind was dancing around me, in the house, and the wet weather filled my lungs, forcing me into a sweet surrender... This song popped in my mind and i listened carefully to each lyric, letting the drizzle carry me to the most alive part of my past...
i grabbed all the pillows i could find, rushed to the balcony and choked the bench in soft material, and then dived right into them... oh, gosh, if you could see that sunset! i was totally lost, my heart stopped! all the sky was red, and the drizzle slapped my face, defying my tears, reminding me of something i though i'd lost... and then it hit me, the smell!! the smell of summer evenings in my country... the smell of me and friends around the fire, reading the bible and longing for God's presence in us... you know, that moist smell, the flavor of thin rain that caresses your face in your deepest search of divinity and Comfort... i had it again, i smelled it again, in this foreign place that i cant call my home! God gave me this glimpse of past that i thought i had lost... and it was liberating, so liberating... though my heart was torn, it was the best to praise Him in the storm... and i remembered these beautiful lyrics and the melody that always carried me through sad times:
"I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away "
i never can put into words my feeligs, as much as i try, i just cant.. i cant describe the feeling i had when, facing God's greatness, my annoying long nose smelled the summers of my highest days..I saw us together again, friends around the fire, praying crying laughing bonding through God's grace... i could feel our warmth, as i stood still on the fluffy pillows... my husband wanted to close the windows, he was cold.. well i was burning! how can a memory, how can a smell and a visual sight get you to physically feel what you've felt many years ago? is it just me? is it a miracle for my wearry soul? it sure felt that way... And i was flying, trying to enjoy the living memory to the max, but on the other hand, i was broken... because, even though my bible was shinning in my hands, i was alone. and i wondered once again, isnt God enough for me?..well, as ashamed i am to admit it, sometimes, He's just not.. i wished i had my friends, or any other soul, close to me.. to feel the wonder.. but i had to give it to Him.. He brought order in my chaos, and He brough beauty in my empty days...
still... i realised just how big of a storm is my inner being... i cant be myself in this strange land, i cant find th peace i had back home.. only scattered feelings slide in what used to be ME and i dont know if it's the helplesness that chokes me, or if it's the regret and the attemt of living a different past, a different me in a different scenario.. The fact that i cant be myself, that i cant let God be himself in me, .. it kills me... I'm longing for rain in a deserted place and no one knows and never will know how my heart beats today.
In the soul, a sad morning shines. In the eyes, a sad longing for Heaven simmers. God does everything He can to bring me back, i see this, i feel it, but... i defy everything and i move along on an empty path.. I remember what a man of prayer told me once when he had a vision about me.. He saw me walking alone on a long street,crying quietly, and told me that this will be my life's destiny, to never be completely understood.. but then,he saw a Man, who started walking along side me, with his head bowed down, and he started to cry with me. we walked a long time in silence, until i stopped and asked Him who He was.. He said He was Jesus, and He'll never ask questions, He'll just walk beside me all my life, cry with me and rejoyce with me... I remember i was pissed!! i hated that vision! me, never understood, never accepted completely?? me, walking with a Jesus that can only cry when i'm lost?? oooh, how much i underestimated Him and His power in my life... it's been many years since that vision, and my life turned out to be pretty much what the man saw when he put his hands above my head... and Jesus pretty much does everything He promissed, he walks beside me, he's the bestfriend in the world... even though sometimes He's so quiet that i cant stand it!
oh and what did i learn from my 2-days-ago-experience? i learned that those years when God was just a supernatural force that had the power to forgive, give, take away, punish and forgive again, passed, are gone! He became the rainbow after the storms of my uncertainties and despair; the wing that carries my soul to universes unknown to others; the warm wing that is my HOME, home home home! and in this storm, i'm praising Him, and i'm moving forward, towards You, my Father... At the end of the road, it's not a gap. it's You.. the one who gave and took away, and the One who teaches me how to accept this fact.. friends or no friends, warmth or no warmth at all, You remain my all in all!
i grabbed all the pillows i could find, rushed to the balcony and choked the bench in soft material, and then dived right into them... oh, gosh, if you could see that sunset! i was totally lost, my heart stopped! all the sky was red, and the drizzle slapped my face, defying my tears, reminding me of something i though i'd lost... and then it hit me, the smell!! the smell of summer evenings in my country... the smell of me and friends around the fire, reading the bible and longing for God's presence in us... you know, that moist smell, the flavor of thin rain that caresses your face in your deepest search of divinity and Comfort... i had it again, i smelled it again, in this foreign place that i cant call my home! God gave me this glimpse of past that i thought i had lost... and it was liberating, so liberating... though my heart was torn, it was the best to praise Him in the storm... and i remembered these beautiful lyrics and the melody that always carried me through sad times:
"I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away "
i never can put into words my feeligs, as much as i try, i just cant.. i cant describe the feeling i had when, facing God's greatness, my annoying long nose smelled the summers of my highest days..I saw us together again, friends around the fire, praying crying laughing bonding through God's grace... i could feel our warmth, as i stood still on the fluffy pillows... my husband wanted to close the windows, he was cold.. well i was burning! how can a memory, how can a smell and a visual sight get you to physically feel what you've felt many years ago? is it just me? is it a miracle for my wearry soul? it sure felt that way... And i was flying, trying to enjoy the living memory to the max, but on the other hand, i was broken... because, even though my bible was shinning in my hands, i was alone. and i wondered once again, isnt God enough for me?..well, as ashamed i am to admit it, sometimes, He's just not.. i wished i had my friends, or any other soul, close to me.. to feel the wonder.. but i had to give it to Him.. He brought order in my chaos, and He brough beauty in my empty days...
still... i realised just how big of a storm is my inner being... i cant be myself in this strange land, i cant find th peace i had back home.. only scattered feelings slide in what used to be ME and i dont know if it's the helplesness that chokes me, or if it's the regret and the attemt of living a different past, a different me in a different scenario.. The fact that i cant be myself, that i cant let God be himself in me, .. it kills me... I'm longing for rain in a deserted place and no one knows and never will know how my heart beats today.
In the soul, a sad morning shines. In the eyes, a sad longing for Heaven simmers. God does everything He can to bring me back, i see this, i feel it, but... i defy everything and i move along on an empty path.. I remember what a man of prayer told me once when he had a vision about me.. He saw me walking alone on a long street,crying quietly, and told me that this will be my life's destiny, to never be completely understood.. but then,he saw a Man, who started walking along side me, with his head bowed down, and he started to cry with me. we walked a long time in silence, until i stopped and asked Him who He was.. He said He was Jesus, and He'll never ask questions, He'll just walk beside me all my life, cry with me and rejoyce with me... I remember i was pissed!! i hated that vision! me, never understood, never accepted completely?? me, walking with a Jesus that can only cry when i'm lost?? oooh, how much i underestimated Him and His power in my life... it's been many years since that vision, and my life turned out to be pretty much what the man saw when he put his hands above my head... and Jesus pretty much does everything He promissed, he walks beside me, he's the bestfriend in the world... even though sometimes He's so quiet that i cant stand it!
oh and what did i learn from my 2-days-ago-experience? i learned that those years when God was just a supernatural force that had the power to forgive, give, take away, punish and forgive again, passed, are gone! He became the rainbow after the storms of my uncertainties and despair; the wing that carries my soul to universes unknown to others; the warm wing that is my HOME, home home home! and in this storm, i'm praising Him, and i'm moving forward, towards You, my Father... At the end of the road, it's not a gap. it's You.. the one who gave and took away, and the One who teaches me how to accept this fact.. friends or no friends, warmth or no warmth at all, You remain my all in all!
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