amo en lo simple y lo compleja

yesterday night we spoke spanish for a while, and it reminded me of this song... i have such a strange feeling when i hear it,.. it might be a smell, or a dream, or a person, or a season.. i dont know.. but the song brings me back blind but peaceful memories...



what a terrible night, knowing that any second the alarm would go off and my baby will leave again to the most awful place... i've watched over him, learning his way of breathing by heart, fearing that i might lose him by going to sleep.. oh, if i could blend his body with mine, and keep it so tight that he'd never leave again...
my sweet man
my peace and joy...

i sometimes love my sadness and loneliness, but i cant bare seeing depression in his eyes... i see him every morning going to a place that crushes his dreams, and i let him go with the most desperate prayer on my lips, that he will come back happy.... but he comes back trembling, my baby comes back trembling... and i wanna die rather than see him crushed...

my baby... our song is burried in the light of your eyes, and i can only hope it will bring you great sight in the heart of things... when you are lonely, my whispered prayer will tickle your ears, and when in a crowded place, you will find redemption...

your dreams WILL come true, i promise this with all my heart! i will do everyhting in my power to bring back the joy on your face! let this promis light up your night and give you hope on your way...

we are so far away from everything that means LIFE, rehabilitation, salvation... we are trapped in the circle of imbalance..we've become a part of desert that's longing for relief.. not for rain, because the desert cant bare rain, but for relief...

i love him from far and from close, i love him with shadows and lights, i love him when there's nothing against us, and i love him more when it all turns around to bite us... everything that's in the world, i take it and divide it to two, and my baby feels my warmth cus otherwise he wouldnt survive in this shit hole...

for a few days, something unexpected happened: he became desperate for me, his lips have the shape of my name and every passing second that we have together is an ocassion to renew our love and addiction to eachother... our hearts are dancing together and this renews our home, it gives us more meaning than ever, because desperation brought us together, instead of locking us separately, in each of our own little worlds... he's the blooming wall of my captivity and we're trembling like leaves in front of the future, but our inner world is an eternal harmony that no one will ever steal!

bothering the roses with your soul

My baby is far again, he works in a place he hates instead of doing what he loves.. are we too young to touch our dreams? are we too young to write a song, are we too young to take a beautiful photograph, are we too young to travel the world?...
i've always felt i was born before my time, i've always felt too old for my dreams, but screw it, today i'm dreaming big time, for both of us my baby!
this is how my heart sounds like today:




thinking back on all the sad moments, i see that my heart always conquered everything and many times, it's actually known happiness precisely because of those moments... so no matter what's waiting ahead of me, i'm floating to it with no shield on. i'm vulnerable and scared, as always, but i'm welcoming whatever might come, because it will eventually turn out to be a great thing...

again, this cant be called a serendipity as it is purely an epiphany, and the epiphany from today smells like red colored roses and it tastes like a december sun...

something impossible

my weekend sounded like this:



whatever happened to the great escape, and all the plans we made...
sometimes i see people that remind me of broken pieces, and i started to love broken pieces, but just the ones that cant be mend...
i love their long search for something they'll never find
i love their mistery and their irony
i love their laughter
i imagine how their pillow looks like after they wake up and go to wash the dreams off their faces... all the wrinkles from the pillows... i want to invent a mechanism that would make them liquid, and then inject them in my veins, feed myself with the shadow of what once used to hold their beautiful faces...
so here's another story about a serendipity, but this one never happened for real,still, it could happen anytime, anywhere, as long as i carry the longing in my heart...

how my dreams they spin me round

How my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down...

I dont know how to survive in this world.. his eyes and his arms make me feel safe for exactely 10 minutes a day.. and then we're apart again.. I dont understand this world, these people, their laughter and their ways. i cant imagine how a lonely soul can survive far away from home... God teach me how to live away from my heart! please teach me how to love these people that annoy me, these people that dont know how to feel!
today, the metaphors fade away, today, all my thoughts they spin me round... it's all in my head now, because the heart cant take it anymore.. all the longing, all the missing, all the reminiscing... i was born in july, but my heart feels like december and today i hate the cold!
i miss my friend, i miss my family, my home, my beautiful country, the friendly look on the people's faces...
all the rage inside me tattoed the HATE word on my soul, even though i dont actually get the true meaning of it...
this is so not a serentipity, i know, but i'm wondering, what if this is supposed to mean more than just a burrial of an old soul? what if it will actually awaken something lost?... ooooh, but i dont have time to waste! a day feels like an eternity, and and every minutes makes a wrinkle on my heart... i soon might need a freakin transplant and i'm so afraid of a new heart!
God, just give me home again!

alone again, naturally

i thought i was healed.. but yet there are so many empty spaces, so many voids waiting to be filled..

i'm doubting everything.. love, friendship, peace, dreams.. i'm a stranger in the coldest land..

and here i am.. alone again, naturally...



i found some letters, from my closest two friends... written many, many years ago... we were so ALIVE! so romantic, so eager to live every second at its highest intensity... i remembered our tears, and how lonesome we'd been without eachother...
we were found in a pool of desperation, we found eachother in misery, trying to survive the world's coldness, trying to believe in love, in friendship.. we LIVED for love and friendship... and when we felt we were about to lose it, we fought so much to stay alive...
i realise now that when we went apart, ... my heart died. and today it's the first time i'm admitting it..

because today,... i see how lonely i am... i cant care for anybody anymore, i cant believe that there are still wonderful people, and i cant fight to get them close... i cant believe in love, or at least i feel that im losing it...

i wanna be 18 again, when it was so easy to speak with your heart.. when you were not concerned of what people might think, when you were not afraid people might leave, when you just lived for love and love lived inside you...

for the first time in many years, i am sooo vulnerable... and for the first time in so many years i dont care anymore what people with ice cold hearts might think! because it's their fault i'm alone again! someone build me a time machine, a one-hour time machine, it's more than enough! just one hour in my sweet 18s, just one hour with my dearest friends, to tell them how sorry i am we've lost eachother... how sorry i am that our sweet 18s just lasted for 2 seconds.. the only memories i have of them are your sad, loving letters, and your smiles burried in my heart... i need a time machine to remember that we still have souls!



"The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal."