another two years older, and three more steps behind...

i'm constantly missing home, friendship and warmth... Two evenings ago, i opened all the windows, all the doors.. the wind was dancing around me, in the house, and the wet weather filled my lungs, forcing me into a sweet surrender... This song popped in my mind and i listened carefully to each lyric, letting the drizzle carry me to the most alive part of my past...



i grabbed all the pillows i could find, rushed to the balcony and choked the bench in soft material, and then dived right into them... oh, gosh, if you could see that sunset! i was totally lost, my heart stopped! all the sky was red, and the drizzle slapped my face, defying my tears, reminding me of something i though i'd lost... and then it hit me, the smell!! the smell of summer evenings in my country... the smell of me and friends around the fire, reading the bible and longing for God's presence in us... you know, that moist smell, the flavor of thin rain that caresses your face in your deepest search of divinity and Comfort... i had it again, i smelled it again, in this foreign place that i cant call my home! God gave me this glimpse of past that i thought i had lost... and it was liberating, so liberating... though my heart was torn, it was the best to praise Him in the storm... and i remembered these beautiful lyrics and the melody that always carried me through sad times:

"I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away "

i never can put into words my feeligs, as much as i try, i just cant.. i cant describe the feeling i had when, facing God's greatness, my annoying long nose smelled the summers of my highest days..I saw us together again, friends around the fire, praying crying laughing bonding through God's grace... i could feel our warmth, as i stood still on the fluffy pillows... my husband wanted to close the windows, he was cold.. well i was burning! how can a memory, how can a smell and a visual sight get you to physically feel what you've felt many years ago? is it just me? is it a miracle for my wearry soul? it sure felt that way... And i was flying, trying to enjoy the living memory to the max, but on the other hand, i was broken... because, even though my bible was shinning in my hands, i was alone. and i wondered once again, isnt God enough for me?..well, as ashamed i am to admit it, sometimes, He's just not.. i wished i had my friends, or any other soul, close to me.. to feel the wonder.. but i had to give it to Him.. He brought order in my chaos, and He brough beauty in my empty days...
still... i realised just how big of a storm is my inner being... i cant be myself in this strange land, i cant find th peace i had back home.. only scattered feelings slide in what used to be ME and i dont know if it's the helplesness that chokes me, or if it's the regret and the attemt of living a different past, a different me in a different scenario.. The fact that i cant be myself, that i cant let God be himself in me, .. it kills me... I'm longing for rain in a deserted place and no one knows and never will know how my heart beats today.

In the soul, a sad morning shines. In the eyes, a sad longing for Heaven simmers. God does everything He can to bring me back, i see this, i feel it, but... i defy everything and i move along on an empty path.. I remember what a man of prayer told me once when he had a vision about me.. He saw me walking alone on a long street,crying quietly, and told me that this will be my life's destiny, to never be completely understood.. but then,he saw a Man, who started walking along side me, with his head bowed down, and he started to cry with me. we walked a long time in silence, until i stopped and asked Him who He was.. He said He was Jesus, and He'll never ask questions, He'll just walk beside me all my life, cry with me and rejoyce with me... I remember i was pissed!! i hated that vision! me, never understood, never accepted completely?? me, walking with a Jesus that can only cry when i'm lost?? oooh, how much i underestimated Him and His power in my life... it's been many years since that vision, and my life turned out to be pretty much what the man saw when he put his hands above my head... and Jesus pretty much does everything He promissed, he walks beside me, he's the bestfriend in the world... even though sometimes He's so quiet that i cant stand it!

oh and what did i learn from my 2-days-ago-experience? i learned that those years when God was just a supernatural force that had the power to forgive, give, take away, punish and forgive again, passed, are gone! He became the rainbow after the storms of my uncertainties and despair; the wing that carries my soul to universes unknown to others; the warm wing that is my HOME, home home home! and in this storm, i'm praising Him, and i'm moving forward, towards You, my Father... At the end of the road, it's not a gap. it's You.. the one who gave and took away, and the One who teaches me how to accept this fact.. friends or no friends, warmth or no warmth at all, You remain my all in all!